putting myself in my Mom's "shoes"

"I want to be the Mommy!," said one of our Pre-School students last Sunday morning. "No, I do," said another. And then I said over everyone "Well I want to be a Mommy too, so let's all be mommies." So we all agreed and went on with our playtime. 

I remember when I was young and was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up. Well, I wanted to be a Mother. My mom had the best job ever and of course playing grown ups was so much fun. My mom made me who I am today, she took care of me, she made my boo boos go away, she helped me when I was sick. She cut my hair, sewed on my buttons, checked my hair for ticks (big deal when you lived in the country), and she showed me how to cook and clean. And I remember always wanting to be my mommy during playtime. I wanted to hold the baby like mom did, cook dinner, do the dishes, and vacuum. Pretending to be a mom was so much fun.

I like to think all of that playtime as a child has prepared me to be a full time mommy one day. Even in my adult years I just feel like I have been in play mode this entire time and especially these last two years. This wait hasn't been short but when you are in play mode it sure seems easy. 

We just came back from vacation and we had an opportunity to bring our niece and nephew along. The entire trip I was in play mode and was pretending to be their mommy. I set the rules, I made them take showers, and I had the responsibility of making sure they cleaned their plate and buckled up their car seat. I was able to celebrate with them as we saw new things and I was able to protect them and to love on them. I loved every minute of it. But it went by so quickly, I wanted it to last forever. I remember going back to work that next Monday and turning around to see if their car seats were still in the car. It was so quiet and so empty and made me realize that being in playmode isn't just enough. That I want to be the Mommy.

Well playtime is over and it is my time to teach my daughter the importance of being a Mother. Meet our daughter she is a miracle, she is perfect, and she is amazing. 

"My foot is slipping," your unfailing love, LORD, supported me

We are back!! No we didn't go anywhere we have been here all along. Sometimes during the midst of the silence God is working through something. No this isn't an announcement blog either. We do not have our baby yet. The Lord has been working on us these past few months and I can see he is working on you. Many of you are becoming impatient waiting on this baby to arrive. When I tell you that my wait hasn't seemed long and it just feels like yesterday that we walked out of our adoption agency as a waiting family, I immediately hear well it is just taking too long and that you are ready for this baby to come. Don't get me wrong I am getting there but I believe that God is keeping me sane and preparing me for that perfect date.

This past year has been a good one for me. We have had our book looked at numerous times. People are wanting to know more about the Aguirre's and that is super exciting. The part that isn't so great is that not one family have chosen us. That stinks and it hurts sometimes to feel unwanted and you begin to wonder do I need to change? And when the rejection hits 1, 5, 12, or 20 times you start thinking maybe this isn't the path the Lord has for us. But I can share that each and every time our book was looked at, I had 100% peace in that the baby wasn't mine. This child was someone else's blessing and my time would come. I even surprised myself because I really do want a baby, but my faith has kept me through it all. People around me were getting pregnant or adopting babies, I was attending shower after shower and I could say that I was truly celebrating with these friends. I have really grown up and it even amazes me! Thank you Lord for this strength, this sincerity, and for friends who still want me to be apart of their life during this time.

Well two months ago I was not the person described above. I hit rock bottom on this roller coaster ride called adoption. The adoption agency called which they never do by the way so I thought Oh My this is the call. Well it wasn't the call, they called to say that another family wanted to look at our book and that they had a problem. They had all of our books out. We purchased four books for them and when they are out that means a birthmom or a Bethany agency has them. So our four books were all over the US being looked at and here was another mom who wanted our book. They asked if we could buy another one well luckily we had another copy at our home. So we were able to drop that book off and we went ahead and purchased 3 more books. So Bethany now has 8 of our books that are being shown to families. Well the family with our 5th book was described to us as the PERFECT Family. Well that is what they said to me over the phone. Due to confidentiality I am not able to share details, but this was a perfect family for us. So for a week I sat patiently on the outside but impatiently on the inside waiting for an update. Of course during that time I was given for free the last two items for my nursery so again I thought this is the perfect child. So we waited and waited.. The agency called and we were the last two families and again super calm and cool on the outside but on the inside super excited, hopeful, giddy, I am going to be mom soon... I want my baby shower here, Lets go ahead and register....crazy. Yes that is what happens when you are OCD, a planner, and ready for a baby.  Oh yeah this mom was having twins I can share that. So yes we were going to have twins and this was a dream come true for both Jesse and I. So we waited and waited and we finally received word that the mom chose the other family. Well lets just say for the rest of that day I lost it. I asked people at work to give me a grace day and I spent the rest of the day in the Word and in Prayer. God didn't speak to me right away, I truly believe that he just held me in his arms and let me cry. He didn't let go, he held on tight and let me mourn. A few days later, God spoke to me. He reminded me that this adoption journey was His journey and not mine. He began us on this journey to tell our story to help encourage, love, and comfort those that deal with cancer or infertility. He reminded me of the opportunities just last year to share our story on TV and in the newspaper. Also the opportunities at our yard sale to share our faith and story with hundreds of people. He said your adoption book is still being looked at and needs to be shared with more families. See in our book we have the plan of salvation. Our letter to our birth mom says if you do not choose us please choose Jesus. If you do not have a relationship with Him this is all you need to do. So God said wait for me, be strong and take heart and wait for me. So here I am waiting.. standing strong... staying encouraged... staying in prayer.. staying in His Word. 

As Jesse and I talked this morning about the journey he said you know what you just said sounds like the Prayer of Serenity. Please read this prayer and if you haven't truly surrendered something over to the Lord do it today. Do not delay!  Love each of you and thank you for your prayers.

Tapping my Foot to the sound

Have you ever heard the audible voice of God? Do you know what He even sounds like?  I have been reminded lately that I need to recognize God's voice. Recently, a friend shared about those times when you answer your phone and the person on the other end talks and it is apparent that they know you, but you have no clue who they are. You probably pretend you know them because you don't want to hurt their feelings. Well when God speaks to you, do you have that same feeling? Do you pretend that you know who is on the other end and play along because you do not want to hurt His feelings or you don't want to be embarrassed? Well did I step on your toes a little, well it stepped on mine that day and I immediately knew that I needed to begin praying for wisdom and discernment and for God's voice. 

Last week I experienced the audible voice of God. I am amazed that only after a few weeks of praying this that the Lord decided to reveal Himself. As I was driving to work in silence the Lord spoke to me clearly and loudly and told me that what I had decided to do was not what He wanted. He wanted me to stay clear on the path that He already laid out for me. When I got to work I opened up my devotional and this is what it said, "Many voices vie for control of your mind, especially when you sit in silence. You must learn to discern what is My voice and what is not. John 10:4 tells us that when He has brought out all His own, He goes on ahead of them, and His sheep follow Him because they know His voice." So after I read this I was reminded that what was said to me earlier was God's voice and it immediately brought me to tears. He spoke to me, He told me exactly what I needed to do, that was the voice of the Lord. So moments after I realized this I went to prayer and I said Lord if this is Your Will then Lord I will step aside and be obedient and let you take control. Instantly I felt God's peace and I fully surrendered it over to the Lord. 

Yesterday in Sunday School, we talked about shepherds and their sheep. I love our little preschoolers, they teach me so much. As we made our little sheep ear headbands we talked about little lambs, shepherds, and the Good Shepherd. I told them that we were going to play a game and three of them immediately said they wanted to be shepherds. I did not explain the rules of the game yet but they knew exactly what they wanted to be. I asked them, "Why do you want to be a shepherd and not a sheep?" They told me because, "they lead and guide and help the sheep and that they wanted to be like Jesus." Wow did this touch my heart! These preschoolers are lambs after God's own heart. How precious! Later during the game, they all wanted to be a shepherd and I found myself saying well you need to be a sheep first and watch the shepherd so you can learn how to be a shepherd. Well isn't that the truth. In order to be like Christ, the Good Shepherd, I need to be a sheep in this flock and watch and learn from Him. So here I am.... a little lamb, I recognize the voice of the Lord. He calls my name...He leads me out... and I will follow Him wherever He wants me to go.

I have Exposed my Feet and boy do I need a Pedicure

Yesterday I hit my first rough patch and I am not talking about falling on the ice. I am truly thankful that God is keeping me home bound during this time so I can heal and spend more time with Him as I go through this spiraling rollercoaster ride. Well I am broken and hurt and I told myself I would not write to you when I felt this way but the Lord has asked me to share this. I am a very strong person. I put my faith and trust in God for everything and because of that I have always been strong. I remember as a teenager as tragic things happened to my family, I was always the one who held our family together. I was the one who comforted them as they cried, encouraged them to have faith, and prayed for each of them as they went through it.

Well today I feel like I have went through a tragedy and I need people to gather round to comfort me as I cry, encourage me to have faith, and to pray for me. I haven't really ever experienced rejection. If I ever wanted something I got it, I have really never been told No, and I don't really know what is means to be in last place. Yes I am very competitive and I do not like to lose. I am so aware of this that I typically do not put myself in situations where I could lose. I would only enter myself in competitions of things I was good at, I would only apply for jobs that I would get, and I plan events around my talents and skills. Things have always went my way and were perfectly done. Yes I too am a perfectionist. I feel like my competitive and perfect nature go hand in hand. It is a blessing and a curse. If you want to win or if you want to have someone who can make sure all the details are perfect, then I am one of the best members on your team. On the other hand, if you are playing for fun and your motto is everyone is a winner, then please do not put me on your team. I am being honest here. I am not proud that I have a sore loser of an attitude, this is just how I am. God has used this gift in me for many things and I know he will still use this to glorify Him.

Today I realize that God is using what I call my gift but what He calls my fault to teach me a lesson. He is starting to humble me and to remind me that you cannot win at everything. And why must everything be a competition anyways. Mark 9:35 says "anyone who wants to be first must be the very last, and the servant of all." I have been reminded that Jesus reverses the rank. The person who is most important to him is not the person seeking the status or popular vote. The most important person is like Jesus himself: willing to give up their rank and status. For Jesus, last means first in service and first in the eyes of God. So here I am in last place,having a great life, and ready to serve. 

God please help me to be more like you and use my fault of competition and perfection to glorify you. Keep me in last place as long as you like. Because I know Your grace is sufficient even for Krista, and that Your power is made perfect in my weakness. Friends read that last sentence and insert your name. Because I know you may be hurting and broken too. But God is working on this puzzle and He has his hands on your broken puzzle piece and He in His time will put those broken pieces back together soon.

I have some awesome friends and I wanted to leave you with some of their encouraging words in hopes it may encourage you today! So just like Taylor Swift if you say or do something with me it may end up in a song or blog. Until next time grace and peace...."God is at work in your life. He knows your heart and I believe He is hurting with you." "Rest assured things are going on in the background that you can't see. Trust not in what your eyes see but in what is unseen." "I can't imagine the roller coaster of emotions, but God knows and I can't wait to hear the end of the story when He weaves it all back together." "It's hard to see it when you're in the midst of the storm'but the sun always comes out." "We are made in His image and He is strong." "Hey Lightening McQueen didn't win the race, and looked what he learned." 

Keep your eyes open and your Feet moving forward

How does a baby shower make someone infertile feel? Well to be honest I have had some good and some bad experiences. It seems like I am in the stage of my life where everyone is having babies. The conversation comes up once a week from those that are trying to conceive, those that are pregnant, or maybe it is parenting advice from a more seasoned parent. In the past, if you were to tell me you're pregnant or talk to a group of people about breast feeding it would kill me inside. You probably would not have known it from my reaction or my face or even my body language. I was really good at hiding all of my feelings in front of you. But Jesse can share that later it would hit me like a ton of bricks. I kept saying why not us? this isn't fair.. That person said they didn't really want to be pregnant but I guess they will give it a try.. Why can we not say these things? I never wanted to tell you that it hurt my feelings. 

Well I can honestly say that I have grown up these past few months. God has given me different eyes. I know you are saying what???? Well I see things totally different. Today I went to a baby shower and the usual conversations occurred. Well when I was in labor.... we chose to not breast feed because.... when my first child was born I felt this way but my second one made me feel this way... Typical conversations that I usually could not relate too, but I was 100% invested this time. Before I would have been filled with anger and jealousy, but today I was hopeful and trusting. So yes my eyes have changed. Today I learned that you can make your own Baby Wipes. I know isn't that crazy?? I also learned tips on cloth diapers, making your own food, and potty training techniques. Today was more of a parenting workshop and I have pages and pages of notes. Seriously!!

Whatever occupies your mind the most becomes your god. Worries, if indulged, developed into idols. Anxiety gains a life of its own, parasitically infesting your mind. Break free from this bondage by affirming your trust in Me and refreshing yourself in My Presence. What goes on in your mind is invisible, undetectable to other people. But I read your thoughts continually, searching for evidence of trust in Me. I rejoice when your mind turns toward Me. Guard your thoughts diligently; good thought-choices will keep you close to Me. -Jesus Calling

This was my devotional yesterday and over these last several months God has opened my eyes to several things. I have been reminded to fully surrender my anger, jealousy, pain, and whatever I am struggling with over to God. There is no way that I could go through this adoption journey by being angry and jealous at those they may have the life I thought I would have. God has another plan for their life and for mine. He has a wonderful plan that he has already mapped out and soon it will all unfold. I can only imagine what these plans will look like in front of these new and improved God fearing Eyes...

1. 
   
2. Open my eyes, that I may see
   Glimpses of truth Thou hast for me;
   Place in my hands the wonderful key
   That shall unclasp and set me free.
   • Refrain 1:
     Silently now I wait for Thee,
     Ready my God, Thy will to see,
     Open my eyes, illumine me,
     Spirit divine!

I have Cold Feet but not because of fear, I have a cold.

Achoo... tissues... hand sanitizer... vitamin c... cough... red nose... lots of coffee... empty tissue boxes... Well if you haven't guessed I have the flu. This has been how my week has been, I am not a good patient. I do not like being sick and I do not like germs. I am sure being OCD doesn't help with this. I have never been a germaphobe but this could change that. So why do I feel like I need to share this side of me with you readers?

Well think about all the times you have been sick. Who do you always run too? Well as a child I was a momma's baby, in fact, I guess I still am. This week all I have done is call my mom. I haven't necessarily talked about my sickness every time, but just to hear her voice. I am always like this. When I go to the doctor just for a physical or even a routine checkup. I call my mom. After battling and surviving breast cancer, my mom is hero and a warrior to me. She was so brave during her treatments and surgeries that you wouldn't have known she was battling such a disease. I guess that is why I always call her. I know she doesn't have a medical degree, but she knows so much about health because it impacted her life. What she may not know is that this also impacted my life. I may not have been a great daughter during those years, but I hope she knows that I am so proud of her. 

I share this because I know one day when my child is sick that I will be on the other side. I hope that I will be able to impact my child as much as my mom has impacted me. I hope when my child is 34 years old and has the flu that he/she will call me. I may not have the answers for them but I know I will have love for them. Also who knows my mom may still be with us during that time and so if I don't know the answer, I know I can call her. Ok here's to getting better... tamilflu... lots of fluids (not so much coffee)... soft pillow... counting sheep... Gilmore Girls marathon (ok this one is for my soul)... call my mom one more time... ok now I can rest.

This year my mom will celebrate 14 years of being in remission and Jesse will celebrate 8.

  

Time passes, but my Feet remain still

Tick tock... tick tock... tick tock... Do you hear that? Tick tock... tick tock... tick tock... Time is something that I have mixed feelings about. I feel like I do not have enough time to do everything I want or need to do. And I feel like some things just take forever.

Remember when you were a kid and you did not know the concept of time. You would ask your mother are we there yet? How much longer? Can we leave yet? I remember her response to be...in a minute, about a half hour more, or maybe the words...before long. What does this stuff really mean to a child? I also remember that time seem to take forever and that I was just so bored.

Now that I am an adult I do not have enough time. The alarm goes off too quickly, I can't seem to get anywhere in under 20 minutes, and I should be saying No I have something on my calendar instead of sure we are free that night. My mom is always saying yall are busy bodies who never have time for yourselves. Yes she is so true. I like to be busy, I like to feel accomplished, and I love to say Yes we are available and free and I try to make it work if possible. But if I am being honest here I really like to stay busy to keep my mind for wandering on this baby. 

We have been approved to adopt for 9 months now. I have been thinking about time and what could have been accomplished in 9 months. 

• Your hair could grow 4.5 inches
• Walking 2 mph/10 hours a day you can walk all over America and back
• Your income could be $24,000 based on the average income 
• Losing 1-2 lbs a week you could lose almost 60 pounds
• You could be halfway through an Associates Degree at a technical college
• You could win the Stanley Cup (from preseason through the playoffs)
• With 8 hours of sleep a night you could roughly sleep 90 days
• You could attend 39-42 Church services
• You could have conceived, carried, and delivered a baby.

Yes the last one could have been us if we naturally conceived a baby. You may ask me how does this make me feel? How are you passing the time? Are you still hanging in there? Ecclesiastes 3:1-11 gives me the peace and understanding that God makes all things beautiful in His time. 

So you know what... my time is limited. I am booked, busy, and waiting for this little one. But God's timing is perfect, abundant, and freely given. Psalm 37:4 tells us to delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart. And I am reminded in 1 Samuel that Hannah cried out to the Lord for a child and God answered her prayers. It is about His timing and not of my own. I got this, I can wait, the timer is shut off, and my watch is broken. Time is standing still and God is running the clock.