Keep your eyes open and your Feet moving forward

How does a baby shower make someone infertile feel? Well to be honest I have had some good and some bad experiences. It seems like I am in the stage of my life where everyone is having babies. The conversation comes up once a week from those that are trying to conceive, those that are pregnant, or maybe it is parenting advice from a more seasoned parent. In the past, if you were to tell me you're pregnant or talk to a group of people about breast feeding it would kill me inside. You probably would not have known it from my reaction or my face or even my body language. I was really good at hiding all of my feelings in front of you. But Jesse can share that later it would hit me like a ton of bricks. I kept saying why not us? this isn't fair.. That person said they didn't really want to be pregnant but I guess they will give it a try.. Why can we not say these things? I never wanted to tell you that it hurt my feelings. 

Well I can honestly say that I have grown up these past few months. God has given me different eyes. I know you are saying what???? Well I see things totally different. Today I went to a baby shower and the usual conversations occurred. Well when I was in labor.... we chose to not breast feed because.... when my first child was born I felt this way but my second one made me feel this way... Typical conversations that I usually could not relate too, but I was 100% invested this time. Before I would have been filled with anger and jealousy, but today I was hopeful and trusting. So yes my eyes have changed. Today I learned that you can make your own Baby Wipes. I know isn't that crazy?? I also learned tips on cloth diapers, making your own food, and potty training techniques. Today was more of a parenting workshop and I have pages and pages of notes. Seriously!!

Whatever occupies your mind the most becomes your god. Worries, if indulged, developed into idols. Anxiety gains a life of its own, parasitically infesting your mind. Break free from this bondage by affirming your trust in Me and refreshing yourself in My Presence. What goes on in your mind is invisible, undetectable to other people. But I read your thoughts continually, searching for evidence of trust in Me. I rejoice when your mind turns toward Me. Guard your thoughts diligently; good thought-choices will keep you close to Me. -Jesus Calling

This was my devotional yesterday and over these last several months God has opened my eyes to several things. I have been reminded to fully surrender my anger, jealousy, pain, and whatever I am struggling with over to God. There is no way that I could go through this adoption journey by being angry and jealous at those they may have the life I thought I would have. God has another plan for their life and for mine. He has a wonderful plan that he has already mapped out and soon it will all unfold. I can only imagine what these plans will look like in front of these new and improved God fearing Eyes...

1. 
   
2. Open my eyes, that I may see
   Glimpses of truth Thou hast for me;
   Place in my hands the wonderful key
   That shall unclasp and set me free.
   • Refrain 1:
     Silently now I wait for Thee,
     Ready my God, Thy will to see,
     Open my eyes, illumine me,
     Spirit divine!

I have Cold Feet but not because of fear, I have a cold.

Achoo... tissues... hand sanitizer... vitamin c... cough... red nose... lots of coffee... empty tissue boxes... Well if you haven't guessed I have the flu. This has been how my week has been, I am not a good patient. I do not like being sick and I do not like germs. I am sure being OCD doesn't help with this. I have never been a germaphobe but this could change that. So why do I feel like I need to share this side of me with you readers?

Well think about all the times you have been sick. Who do you always run too? Well as a child I was a momma's baby, in fact, I guess I still am. This week all I have done is call my mom. I haven't necessarily talked about my sickness every time, but just to hear her voice. I am always like this. When I go to the doctor just for a physical or even a routine checkup. I call my mom. After battling and surviving breast cancer, my mom is hero and a warrior to me. She was so brave during her treatments and surgeries that you wouldn't have known she was battling such a disease. I guess that is why I always call her. I know she doesn't have a medical degree, but she knows so much about health because it impacted her life. What she may not know is that this also impacted my life. I may not have been a great daughter during those years, but I hope she knows that I am so proud of her. 

I share this because I know one day when my child is sick that I will be on the other side. I hope that I will be able to impact my child as much as my mom has impacted me. I hope when my child is 34 years old and has the flu that he/she will call me. I may not have the answers for them but I know I will have love for them. Also who knows my mom may still be with us during that time and so if I don't know the answer, I know I can call her. Ok here's to getting better... tamilflu... lots of fluids (not so much coffee)... soft pillow... counting sheep... Gilmore Girls marathon (ok this one is for my soul)... call my mom one more time... ok now I can rest.

This year my mom will celebrate 14 years of being in remission and Jesse will celebrate 8.

  

Time passes, but my Feet remain still

Tick tock... tick tock... tick tock... Do you hear that? Tick tock... tick tock... tick tock... Time is something that I have mixed feelings about. I feel like I do not have enough time to do everything I want or need to do. And I feel like some things just take forever.

Remember when you were a kid and you did not know the concept of time. You would ask your mother are we there yet? How much longer? Can we leave yet? I remember her response to be...in a minute, about a half hour more, or maybe the words...before long. What does this stuff really mean to a child? I also remember that time seem to take forever and that I was just so bored.

Now that I am an adult I do not have enough time. The alarm goes off too quickly, I can't seem to get anywhere in under 20 minutes, and I should be saying No I have something on my calendar instead of sure we are free that night. My mom is always saying yall are busy bodies who never have time for yourselves. Yes she is so true. I like to be busy, I like to feel accomplished, and I love to say Yes we are available and free and I try to make it work if possible. But if I am being honest here I really like to stay busy to keep my mind for wandering on this baby. 

We have been approved to adopt for 9 months now. I have been thinking about time and what could have been accomplished in 9 months. 

• Your hair could grow 4.5 inches
• Walking 2 mph/10 hours a day you can walk all over America and back
• Your income could be $24,000 based on the average income 
• Losing 1-2 lbs a week you could lose almost 60 pounds
• You could be halfway through an Associates Degree at a technical college
• You could win the Stanley Cup (from preseason through the playoffs)
• With 8 hours of sleep a night you could roughly sleep 90 days
• You could attend 39-42 Church services
• You could have conceived, carried, and delivered a baby.

Yes the last one could have been us if we naturally conceived a baby. You may ask me how does this make me feel? How are you passing the time? Are you still hanging in there? Ecclesiastes 3:1-11 gives me the peace and understanding that God makes all things beautiful in His time. 

So you know what... my time is limited. I am booked, busy, and waiting for this little one. But God's timing is perfect, abundant, and freely given. Psalm 37:4 tells us to delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart. And I am reminded in 1 Samuel that Hannah cried out to the Lord for a child and God answered her prayers. It is about His timing and not of my own. I got this, I can wait, the timer is shut off, and my watch is broken. Time is standing still and God is running the clock.